Is it Independence or is it Armor?

For years I prided myself on being a strong, independent woman.

The lone wolf.

The mysterious one.

The alpha female.

The one who didn’t need a man or friends to keep her happy.

The one who could do it all alone.

I took pride in the confidence I sourced from this identity, not realizing that what I thought was my independence was actually my armor.

What I called independence was actually a layer of walls that I’d built around myself to maintain a sense of safety. It was the hardened exterior that I projected so that others wouldn’t see how vulnerable and gooey I was underneath.

I clung to this identity because I was afraid of what would happen if I were to let go of it.

Would I lose my edge?

Would I lose respect?

Could I tolerate the heartbreak of relying on someone & being let down?

But the thing about armor is that after a while it gets heavy.

After a while, it starts to stick to your skin and it becomes difficult and painful to peel away.

After a while, it becomes hard to tell yourself apart from your walls.

Your armor might feel safe, but it will cost you.

It will cost you your ability to truly feel, to connect, and to love with your whole heart.

It will cost you your ability to move outside of your comfort zone and go after the things you really want in life.

The price of experiencing our full potential is risking hurt and disappointment along the way.

I used to think my armored independence was sexy, but now I just see it as a sign of being scared.

What’s sexier than the woman who uses her independence as a shield is the one who lives with her whole heart and risks getting hurt, because at the end of the day she knows she’s got herself.